Perception

It's funny how much perception can change everything.

During my short break from IVF, I have been doing a lot of thinking and mental preparation, just in case the specialist tells us today that we can do another cycle. Financially, I can't really turn it down, so I wanted to make sure that I could get my head space in the right place, otherwise it could end up a disaster. It would be a tough cycle, especially when the blood test would be due somewhere around Christmas Day. I am the sort of person that LOVES Christmas and everything about it (yes, even the crowded shops!), so I'm really scared that I would not enjoy this time of the year as much if I'm dosed up on hormones.

But I'm happy to report that I am feeling strong again. Better than I have in ages actually. I read a book - Trying to Conceive, edited by Michaela Ryan . It contains the real life IVF journeys of 15 different people in all different situations. Now I wasn't really expecting to get anything much out of it. I came across it at the library, had heard of it before, and thought it might be an interesting read. But I actually did manage to be helped by this book. The book encourages you to look at the emotional aspects of your life as well, for blocks that may be affecting your chances of conception through IVF. Now while I personally don't believe that every day emotions or 'emotional blocks' make much of a difference to the chances of success with IVF, it did encourage me to take a closer look at myself and how I feel about everything going on. It may not give me any better chance of conceiving, but it has made me feel stronger and given me a new perspective on everything.

The main thing I realised is that I am being way too hard on myself - I am coping much better than I give myself credit for. I am tough on myself by nature, I believe that I should be able to do anything, which often has me wrongly believing that I should be a superwoman all the time.

I've also managed to get myself to a place where I can see positives with our current situation. Not that there are really positives to having to go through IVF, but that we are a wonderful family of 3, and there are advantages to the fact that we have only one child now. Not that I didn't appreciate my son before, because I do...enormously. That's one of the difficult things about IVF the second time around - the guilt that you feel for wanting more. But I have always wanted more than one child, so coming to terms with the fact that we may not be able to has been a step I have had to take. I thought I was there before, but seeing other people's siblings together has still brought me sadness to wonder if my son would never get to experience that.

My perception now has changed - I no longer get sad when I see other people with mutiple children. In fact, I am increasingly noticing more and more people that only have one child. (Funny how you see what you think!) And at times I will see someone struggling with 3 or 4 kids running rings around them and think, wow my life is easy with Jake. But more importantly than that, I now have a better understanding that everyone has a different path to follow. That is their path, this is mine. There are positives and negatives to both, but each must travel their own path, and see the best in what they have.

So while I still have that strong pull in my heart for another child, I'm not feeling that sad desperation anymore. I can be around other pregnant women and watch siblings together and not feel sad for our family. I truly hope that one day we are blessed with another miracle, but for now, I am enjoying every minute with my son.