Bloating

I can't believe how bloated I am this time around - I've never seen anything like it. Well, maybe after my first EPU, but it was only this bad for a few days, maybe a week. And that was a case of mild OHSS, whereas this seems to be just plain old bloating. And it's not getting any better! I look like I am at least 3 months pregnant! It's becoming really difficult to find anything to wear to work cause half my pants don't fit me and I don't really have a lot of clothes that 'cover' a bloated stomach. Just trying to do my best with baggy tops and oversized bags to try to cover up!

I mentioned it to my acupuncturist when I was there yesterday but he was happy about it! Reckons that at least I know that the meds are working! Yeah, that's great, but couldn't they have picked another side effect - at least with headaches or something I could have taken some panadol!

Other than that, the emotional side of things has calmed down a bit thankfully. Obviously still not me, but not the sobbing mess I was last week so I'm going to be happy with that.

I am doing my best not to think about the impending test result, but couldn't resist playing around with a ticker...

Pregnyl + Crinone = Tears

I really don't think I have ever been this emotional. Yesterday I must have been in tears at least 6 times - all over really stupid things. One of them being missing my exit on the highway. And it wasn't even that much out of the way to take the next exit! I just can't believe how much these meds are messing with my head right now. Normally yeah I might get a tad emotional at times, but with this new cocktail of drugs I am like a blubbering mess!

My poor hubby has his work cut out for him trying to support me right now. The last day or so he has done such a great job looking after me, it is just so wonderful to have someone to lean on when I feel so out of control.

I'm hoping now that the pregnyl injections are over with I can soon go back to just being mildly & occaisionally emotional rather than being 'wound up like a spring' as my hubby says.

2WW...here I am

Well, I made it through transfer - I now have two 'perfect quality' blastocycsts on board. The embryologist was very happy with the progress of our embies - they actually already had some cells that were hatching in preparation for implantation. Here they are:

I know that it's fantastic that we can produce such good quality embryos, but I really don't know how much that means for our chances of conception. I mean, we have always had super quality embryos but none of them have stuck yet so it's starting to seem like it really doesn't matter what quality they are. I am still very grateful that we are able to get such a great result during the first part of the cycle, but the more cycles we do, the more I doubt the end result.

Anyway, the actual procedure went well, a little more uncomfortable than the last time but no problem. Hubby ended up just making it to the hospital in time to be with me for it. I was really glad to have him there - at this stage, half of the embryos are him so it just wouldn't have felt right being there without him.

Now I just have to get through the 2WW...

Some good news

I had EPU yesterday morning and all went well. I still get nervous before pick ups, I think it's just the GA that I really don't like. Something that can make you change from being alert one millisecond, to completely out of it in another millisecond scares the crap out of me. But it all went well - I ended up having the same anaethetist that I had for my first cycle so I knew he was good, plus the relief FS came and introduced herself to me before I went in and she was lovely. She seemed to have done a great job too cause I wasn't in any pain when I woke up and hardly any spotting even. Huge improvement on last time.

I was very surprised to be told that they collected 15 eggs when I was only expecting around 10! They ended up putting me on a drip of fluids for a while just in case cause of the big pick up result. The FS actually came and saw me when I was first waking up from the anaesthetic so I didn't actually know if I was dreaming or not. I think she could tell that I was really out of it cause she came back later and asked if I remembered seeing her! She warned me that even though I got 15 eggs picked up, that she thought there would be a few immature ones in there and to not be too surprised if I only ended up with about 6 mature eggs.

Anyway, I got the phone call this morning to say that out of the 15 eggs - 13 of them were mature enough to ICSI! And out of them, 11 of them have fertilised!! I was so surprised to hear those results after expecting to only have around 4-6 eggs fertilise. So I'm now feeling much better about the possibility of getting a couple of good blastocysts to transfer on Tuesday. On my last cycle, I ended up with 5 fertilised eggs on day 1, they all made it to blast stage, I transfered two really good ones, but the others were not good enough quality to freeze. So I'm feeling pretty good about starting with 11 this time. Hopefully the quality is still there though after a bigger pick up.

I also had my first appointment with my new acupuncturist and wow, I just love him!! I was happy with my other acupuncturist, but I couldn't handle driving to the city so often to see her so I found a guy much closer to home. I am just so thrilled with him - he made me feel really comfortable from the moment we walked in, explained everything he was doing and why in very simple to understand terminology and I barely even felt any of the needles! He is currently studying his masters degree specifically in fertility/IVF and acupuncture so is very good at what he does. I walked out of there feeling absolutely fantastic, more alert but relaxed at the same time. I would not have thought that I had just been through a pick up. And today I feel great - better than I have after any of my other pick ups! I just can't believe what a difference it has made! I actually still have 3 needles in me now - very tiny ones. Two in my leg and one in my ear! They just look like tiny little patches of tape, he has asked me to leave them on for 3 days before removing them. If all goes well and transfer goes ahead, I will be seeing him before and after that as well.

Must now go and keep packing for the weekend - hubby and I are off on our romatic weekend escape that I booked a couple of months ago. It's been a bit hard logistically cause of when my pick up was so probably not the best timing, but I guess it will help as a distraction during the next few days while I wait to see how our embies are doing. I've been wanting to go to this place for years so I'm very excited that we have finally got around to going there :)

Here we go again

Yep, that's right, it's that time again - EPU time. I hate this part of my cycle. I find pick up & the wait between then and transfer the worst part of the cycle. Even harder than the 2WW - especially since we are trying to get to blastocyst stage again. Those 5 days seem to go on forever.

So, the follie scan today revealed approx 10 follicles around 15-20mm in size. My lining is at around 8mm - I think on my previous cycles it's been around 9mm, but I'm not sure. I'm going in for pick up on Thursday - just waiting on the phone call to find out the exact time. Then we will be aiming for transfer on Tuesday next week. I'll also be getting acupuncture on the day of pick up and again on the day of transfer - a new place though this time. Somewhere much closer to home (away from the big bad city) and somewhere that comes recommended courtesy of a fellow EBer.

While this cycle is going much quicker than my previous cycles, I am starting to find it difficult with seeing different doctors. With my usual FS off recovering from a heart attack, I've seen a new FS for the past two scans, but she is not able to do my pick up on Thursday so I will be seeing yet another FS for that! I'm trying not to let it get to me as it is a great clinic and I do trust that they have good doctors, but I'm just used to putting my faith in a FS so that I can let go of the control a bit. It's hard to do that when I don't have a repport going with the other doctors. Still, it's better than having my cycle cancelled until my usual FS recovers.

One thing that is different this time is that this new temporary FS is putting me on Pregnyl injections during my LP on top of the 2 x Crinone's a day. I've had the Pregnyl trigger before (ouch! Thank god for Ovidrel!), but I've never had it as LP support before. I guess it can't hurt and it's probably good to try something a little different.

Admitting defeat

I have been battling with the Synarel & Puregon for the last week & a half, but I think it is fair to say that they have finally beat me. I thought I'd give 'mind over matter' a go against the emotional side effects of the meds this time, at least to try to fight off the side effects for as long as I can. But over the weekend, I think the meds finally won out.

I was doing ok up until Saturday night. We had a couple of people over for drinks and one of them doesn't know anything about us ttc. So 7pm comes along, I grab my Synarel & Puregon and head for our ensuite. Now normally I give my injection on the very large kitchen benchtop so I have room to spread everything out. So it was dodgy to start with trying to find room on my small ensuite sinktop with bathroom crap everywhere. Then I go to give the injection, and the needle hurts - I don't know whether it's a dodgy needle or if I was doing it wrong, but you would think by now I would be an expert at this. Then, I get about 2 clicks down and bam - cartridge empty. So now I have to change the cartridge and start all over again! Doesn't sound that bad, but I ended up walking out of the bathroom with 2 needle marks in my tummy, one of which was bleeding, and the delightful taste of Synarel running down the back of my throat. To then have to try to be friendly and social with everyone while they drank the night away completely clueless was just too much.

For the rest of the weekend I couldn't shake the feelings of sadness, irritation, de-motivation, annoyance - all the lovely side effects that the meds have given me on past cycles. When I showered last night and ran out of hot water with soap all over me and conditioner still in my hair, with no choice but to continue to run ice cold water to rince it all off, I lost it. I barely managed to get out of the shower before I broke down crying. All from a little cold water. So you know what S & P...you win. This round is yours. I will now resort to counting down the days until I can once again dramatically dispose of your remains.

My first post!

Wow, I have finally got around to setting up my blog! I have named this blog Butterfly Dreams to symbolise my dream of one day having a miracle baby of my own to love.

A very quick history on me - I am 26, my husband is 27. We met when we were just 17 and were friends until we officially became a couple at 19. We bought our first home at 21, and finally got married last year in March at 25! We have been trying for our first miracle baby for around 14 months so far. We started on the IVF journey due to MF in March this year, and we are now on our 3rd IVF/ICSI cycle.

Like everyone else, never did I expect that we would be put on this journey. Having a family is, and always has been, my whole life. We both found it hard to put off starting a family for so long, but we wanted the best for our future children so we took the time to set ourselves up financially, and get our lifestyle to the place we wanted it to be for children to be added to our family. To then be placed on this journey has been heart-breaking for us to say the least. There are just so many people out there who will never know of the struggles that I face every single day. But there are those who do, and while my heart breaks for them, these are the people who have been such an incredible strength for me during this journey. If you are reading, you know who you are, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Anyway, now that I've gotten the heavy stuff out of the way - welcome to my blog! :)