Big surprise...

As much as I still feel like a bit of a fraud writing this, I have decided that it is important for me to document all of my journey, regardless of the outcome. However it will most likely still be some time before I will actually publish this for the world to see...

The one on the left was taken last Friday morning (23/4), the one on the right was taken the next day (Sat 24/4).

To say that this was a shock is an understatement. As I have already written, we have been on a break from IVF since our last miscarriage back at the start of January. While our desire to have another child had not faded, we had not planned to go back to IVF until early 2011 and were comfortable with our decision and enjoying life without IVF or the pressures of TTC.

I have been keeping an eye on my cycles regardless - not really in a TTC sense, but more to see if they were going to turn into any sort of normal cycle. My first one after the miscarriage was no surprise - 51 days long and no clear ovulation (based on both CM and cervix position observations). The second cycle started on 14th March and continued normally (for me) until about 3 weeks ago. I noticed both CM and cervix position indicating ovulation. Now, this on it's own was not a huge deal - I have noticed this many times before, but have ended up with a period only a few days later. This time, I had nothing for pretty much spot on 2 weeks. Then I noticed my cervix drop down low and I had the tiniest amount of spotting. I was actually really happy...this was the first time that my cycle had followed a 'normal' pattern indicating that it could be possible that I ovulated! But the spotting very quickly disappeared, and I noticed over the next couple of days that my cervix became higher up, but remained firm and closed. I kept checking every night, and it remained the same and there was no more signs of bleeding. The pregnancy word kept trying to pop into my head, but I called myself crazy and moved on.

After 5 days of this, I ended up deciding to do a HPT. Not because I was expecting a positive, but I needed to see the negative. I was also looking at a trial at a local gym, and wanted to make 100% sure that I was crazy before working my body hard at the gym.

So, I got up early before Jake was awake. Hubby had already left for work. I did the test, then proceded to spend some one on one time with the laptop. I was so convinced that it would be a negative that I figured the time didn't really matter, so I didn't even check. I guess it would have been about 15 mins later when I looked at the time and saw it was 6am...the time that Jake normally wakes up. I figured I should go and throw out the test before he gets up to make sure I don't forget. I didn't want my hubby to find out that I had done a test - partly because I didn't want him to think I was crazy and partly because I didn't want him to get his hopes up about the potential for a natural pregnancy.

As I walked in towards the test, I was reassuring myself that I had seen many many negatives before so this one would be no big deal. I walked in to the bathroom and went to pick it up to put it in the bin, and that's when I saw the two lines. I was absolutely gobsmacked. Instantly my hands went up over my mouth and I started to shake. I had to sit down to stablise myself. I wish I could say that my first reaction was excitement, but it was actually fear. I was terrified of going through what I was still trying to recover from, the potential of having my hopes built up and then completly crushed. I didn't know what to do...I didn't want to call my husband at work and make his day difficult through having that excitement/fear on the phone, but I needed to tell someone, I needed to talk to someone...I needed my husband. So I called him to tell him the news - it was the last thing that he expected to hear! He was absolutely overjoyed...after the initial shock wore off that is! He was very reassuring and really helped me to feel better about the chances of this one working out. He suggested booking a doctor's appointment for later that day to get the hcg level, he took control. I was so glad that I called him, I even managed to stop shaking!!

I had my hcg level tested that afternoon and have a doctor's appointment booked for this coming Tuesday, hopefully to get the results. I have managed to find a fantastic GP who was more than happy to oblige with two quantitive hcg blood test requests that I can get a few days apart to check for doubling times. He has even already indicated that he would be happy to arrange an early scan once we get the results back and see where we are at. If only my last specialist was as supportive!!

The second test was done the next morning, mainly for our own peace of mind, needing to see those lines again. I had also noticed that the Friday morining FMU wasn't as concentrated as normal so wanted to get another guage. As you can see from the picture, the second test was much darker which was obviously more reassuring.

I am obviously very keen to get the actual hcg numbers back though. I'm really hoping that it will help me to accept that this is real. It is still such a shock, and after 3 m/c in a row, I am scared to accept that it is happening for fear of something going wrong. But on the other hand, I don't want to miss out on those wonderful feelings of joy that most people experience. I guess for now, it is just another waiting game for us. And as hard as it is, it is so much easier than the waiting after an IVF cycle - not being on any meds, not having the huge emotional, physical and financial comittment weighing in on the result. I just can't believe it...is it possible I could be one of THEM???